balancing act

Priorities are tricky.  There's what you claim to value, what your actions show you value and what's important to you deep down all interacting to define you.  Many times lately, I've felt myself drifting... my actions weren't lining up with what I claimed was important.  I had no idea what was deep down inside of me.  Let me tell you, it's no way to live.  However, lately I am starting to get a sense of who I am.  At first, I couldn't identify any one thing that most contributed to this clarity, but then it hit.  God. 

I've been searching for meaning, for purpose, and strength.  I tried finding more friends, because friends can bring you happiness, and I didn't think I had all that many.  I started training in a new career path, and while I'm enjoying the challenge, it felt like just one more responsibility.  I started this blog, because this was a whole new community and type of support I wanted to try tapping into.  I looked everywhere and still felt lost.  I had even tried searching within my own church.  I began coordinating a moving ministry and my husband and I became nursery volunteers.  I tried everything, from small groups, to women's bible studies, to member mingles.  I just couldn't connect and feel fulfilled. 

I realize it might seem ironic that I hinted that God was my answer, and I just said church activities didn't help.  Strange, I know.  And this is where you may get a little lost in this post, as I'm really struggling to put in words exactly what happened in my heart.  What happened in my life was that I started going to a Mom2Mom group at a different church in town.  I'd tried every group my church had to offer, and just hadn't had the Spirit grab me.  The first night at this M2M group though, I knew something was different. 

The room looked like your typical church classroom.  The women ranged in age from my grandma, down to twenties.  Some had coffee, others water bottles.  Nothing looked out of the ordinary.  Then the meeting began.  When we prayed to start the meeting, we asked God to help us be present and center ourselves for the messages to come.  It felt freeing, and I eagerly waited for the speaker.  It was a young mom and local fitness trainer who spoke on wellness - both physical, mental, and spirtual wellness.  Her message was simple, yet profoundly impacted me.  So would the speakers in weeks to come.  They were all normal women, but God seemed to use them to reveal truths to me about my daily life.  Following wellness was a talk on marriage, then raising children and their school environment, then orgnaization.  Normal topics.  And maybe to some women there, it was a normal Wednesday night, but for me each evening revealed more truth about how I should be living my life.  I don't know if this group works miracles for everyone or if I'm finally just at a place in my life to listen to what God's been trying to tell me. 

One speaker mentioned Ann Voskamp and her 1000 gifts.  This was a trigger for me starting my own list of gifts and blessings in my own life.  This act alone is changing my perspective each and every day.  Each night my husband and I watch part of a show on Netflix.  He created this wonderful wall-mounted TV set-up in our bedroom that is just so handy.  The other night it hit me how lucky I am to have a husband with the skills to put it together and maintenance it.  Not a huge deal, and I'm sure many other husbands can also do this for other women, BUT I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my husband.  My baby had an ear infection.  Going to bed that night, I almost teared up at how far medicine has come.  Not all that long ago, a mother would have been rocking their feverish child praying for the fever to break and in the back of her mind hoping whatever illness this was wasn't life-threatening.  I lied in bed knowing exactly what was wrong with my baby, confident that the antibiotics would help the infection and the Tylenol would cool her fever, and listened to the hum of the monitor that let me keep watch over her from the comfort of my own bed.  I was overcome with gratitude for what science and medicine has done to let me take care of my baby. 

Long story short...  I feel God invading my life, and it feels wonderful.  I'm still not entirely sure where I'm going or what my purpose is, but at least now I'm recognizing all I have and grateful for all the small miracles I'm surrounded by each day. 

big changes coming...

So... if the 5 month hiatus from my brand new blog didn't give you a hint, I've been very busy and blogging quickly went to the bottom of my to do list.  My last post was about how I've just been struggling to find myself lately and that has continued to be true, BUT I think I'm finally getting somewhere!!! 

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching, and a good bit of pity partying as well, but that's about over now!  The demands of motherhood and a full-time job have really been weighing on me.  I just felt that those two things alone left me with demands on almost all my time and the job has been depressing me because all I do there is think about where I'd rather be.  What my soul searching has led me to is a realization that my current job needs to be a means to an end.  I don't want to work there forever, and not even much longer.  But for the time being, it provides benefits for my family and a salary I can't begin to replace in the rural area we live in.  What that means is that I need a plan to change my life before I can change my job, and I think I'm on my way!! 

It's a total cliche that you need to do what you're passionate about to be happy, so I'm going to give it a shot.  My passions right now are crafting, creating and homes.  So my plan moving forward is to develop my own products/services to sell and become a licensed real estate agent.  Two separate ventures, but I feel like if  I can get them both moving forward it will allow me to replace enough of my current income to move forward with staying at home most of the time in the next few years.  And I CAN NOT WAIT for that!!!  I follow so many of you other bloggers out there who have set-ups similar to this that seem to give you lots of freedom and the ability to spend time with your kids and to tell you the truth I'm ridiculously jealous. 

None of these changes will start full scale tomorrow, but finally after too much time down in the dumps, I feel like I have a plan that will make me happy and allow me to help my family better in so many ways.  I'm still having tough days but I'm also excited for tomorrow instead of dreading all the monotony that I have been dwelling on for a while.

Mommy just spent her first night away from her baby!!!  Oh my goodness do I miss her...  I have now spent one night away and still have two more to go before I return home.  My trip was not necessarily by choice, I'm at a confernce in Washington DC that's required for work.  I'm having so many mixed emotions about this absence from my little family.  I miss my little girl, her smile and hugs and just cuddling her.  But these are the first days in 8 months where I haven't really had to worry about the needs of anyone else while I got ready this morning.  On the otherhand, I was sad that I didn't get to kiss her or pick out her adorable little outfit this morning.  I'm getting to spend some time in a great big city, but it all feels a little blah.  I'm surrounded by amazing sights and sounds but what I really want is to see it with my husband and kids, not just me in the big city on my own.  What a change!!!  I used to love going out and having fun every free night.  Now I just want to cuddle and love on my people!  Nothing profound in this post and no need to make it too long...  Just wanted to share a little about my first experience away from home as a mamma!

my life today...

I'm having trouble deciding how to start my new blog and where I want it to go, so why not give a general description of what my life is like today?  I am a newlywed, but with a full-fledged family even before day one!  The hubby and I got married on April 1.  I've always had this obsession with getting married on a holiday, and April Fool's day is what we ended up with!  Hubby says our wedding day is the last one I will ever spend without a prank being pulled!  (don't know how to feel about that one!!!)  My husband and I are remodeling the basement in our new house to create the master suite of our dreams and a great family room area.  It's going to be so wonderful and the hubby has done so much incredible work already.  I am amazed just about everyday with the things he can do.  We have lived in our house about a month, and there is still tons of unpacking left to do.  Quite a bit is on hold until the remodel progresses so we have the space for our belongings to decompress.  Much of the decorating is on hold waiting for the unpacking to progress.  I'm fighting incredible urges to jump to the decorating phase as that's what I'm really passionate about, but I'm practicing patience.  Some days are more successful than others! 

I have an 8-month old baby girl.  I have a 10-year old stepdaughter.  My youngest is a wonderful baby!  She's happy pretty much all the time and loves to play.  She only gets grumpy when she's hungry and when she wants attention.  We are anxiously waiting for her to crawl and for teeth to start popping in!  I can't wait to watch her grow more each day. 

Alex, my older girl, is with us every other week.  She's a pretty good kid, and we seem to be getting closer every week.  Our relationship has been a pretty wild ride, and honestly it's mostly because of me.  I have some very strong feelings on blended families, having grown up in one and now raising one, so love me or hate me it's up to you.  When my hubby and I got together, as I mentioned, I was not looking for something serious and was definitely not ready for dating someone with a kid.  We had a lot of tough times as I adjusted to this role, and honestly I don't know that we would have toughed it out had I not been pregnant with Molly.  I absolutely hate having kids split time in two homes.  I think it is terrible for consistent parenting.  I am not saying that only one parent should have a relationship at all, I do think it's important to maintain a close connection with both parents but I wholeheartedly feel that one household needs to be the primary residence.  We do not have this, and are in a constant battle to give poor Alex some consistency.  Enough of my rant for now, I'm sure it will be something I feel the need to touch on again in the future. 

Right now I feel like I'm juggling so many responsibilities I feel like my mind can barely manage it all, but somehow we keep making it through day by day.  Life right now is insanely busy but good.